NASCAR Rule Changes: Through The Eyes Of A Conspiracy Theorist
By now you’ve heard about the new rule changes NASCAR has implemented for this season to make the racing better(if you haven’t, you don’t follow racing and thus probably have no interest in this blog).
Personally, I like the changes. But there are still some people out there who probably believe that the rule changes were made to help 5-time defending champion Jimmie Johnson(or at least, not hurt him).
Those people, known as “conspiracy theorists”, might believe that the changes came along in a meeting sort of like this between NASCAR Chairman Brian France, car owner Rick Hendrick, and Jimmie Johnson:
Brian: Alright guys, the fans are starting to get a little suspicious about Jimmie’s dominance. Now, you both know I love JJ more than anyone, but we need to throw these people off the scent. What are your ideas?
Jimmie: I don’t understand what the problem is. I thought we had a good thing going here…
Brian: I did too, but I’m starting to lose money. And I like money.
Rick: Let’s change the car.
Jimmie: Noooooo!!!
Brian: Good idea, Rick. Jimmie, chill out. You’re gonna have to make some sacrifices here.
Jimmie: But I don’t wanna!
Brian: Alright, I have an idea. What if we just change the nose, and I’ll put my guys to work making sure that the pretty car handles the same way as the ugly car.
Rick: That’s a good idea, Brian. Here’s $100.
Brian: Oh Rick, you are too kind. Alright, what else?
Rick: I say we change the points system. Junior’s been complaining that trying to figure out the current system hurts his brain. Bless his heart…
Jimmie: Yeah, and some people(points at Chad Knaus, who just entered the room for a cup of coffee) are too lazy to explain it to those of us…er, I mean them, who don’t understand it.
Brian: Yeah, I got that complaint from Larry Mac too. We’ve gotta do something.
Rick: How about we give the winner 43 points, second get 42, etc.
Jimmie: THE WINNER GETS 48! THAT’S MY NUMBER!!!
Brian: Alright, alright. Chill out spaz boy. We’ll figure something out…
Jimmie: And how about we scrap the Chase while we’re at it. I want to show everybody I can win without it.
Rick: But you can’t win without it…
Jimmie: What?!? Of course I can!
Rick: Oh no, you can’t.
(Fight breaks out. 5 hours later…)
Brian: While you two babies were fighting, we tweaked the Chase just a bit. You can read about the changes in chapter 17, section 4, subsection 8 of page 29 of the NASCAR rule book. And we moved quals to Saturday…
Rick: I didn’t approve of that!
Brian: Ya snooze ya lose, Ricky.
Jimmie: I like having quals on Saturday. It’ll give me an extra day to spend with my daughter General Motors…I mean, Genevive Marie.
Rick: If you have another girl, what would you name her?
Jimmie: Laura Olivia Wilma Elizabeth Samantha.
Rick: Ugh…
Brian: Guys, let’s stay on topic. We’re talking about MY money here. Ok, any more changes you guys think we should make?
Rick: Um, I just thought of something. All these changes will be in affect at Bruton’s tracks too. Do you think he’ll approve of these changes?
Brian: I wouldn’t worry about that deviant. I’ll just sick Stewart on him. That’ll teach the jerk…
Jimmie: Tony scares me.
Rick: But he practically works for you.
Jimmie: Oh yeah, that’s true.
Brian: So any more changes?
Rick: Nope, that’ll do it.
Jimmie: I want another trophy!
Brian: In due time, buddy.
Rick: Here’s a $1,000.
Brian: Thanks Rick. Good luck this season. Not that you’ll need it(winks at Rick).
Rick: (Laughs hysterically).
Dale Jr: (Walks in, joins the laughter) Wait, I don’t get it…
Jimmie: Can we go now?
Rick: Fine. Take care Brian.
Brian: You too. Bye!
Rick: Bye!